Subject: Cannes Entry Video. Lads, I’ve taken a look at the edit. Nice start. Remove the Coldplay ‘Clocks’ soundtrack as everyone uses it. I’ve attached a suitably depressing classical mp3. Lay that down. If the judges aren’t rolling around the floor in fucking despair, the Tigers are on me. By the way, I’ve slightly rewritten the script. Here we go:

Fade up depressing music.

Cut to slow motion shot of the mighty ocean.

MVO: “Every year, thousands of creatives attempt the long voyage to the Mediterranean. Tragically, many won’t make it.”

We move over the ocean towards a solitary boat that’s crammed with people. As we get closer, we see that a raucous production company is party is kicking off inside. The lights of the Croisette twinkle far behind.

MVO: “The journey from their home in South East Asia is long. They’re tired. They’re hungry. They’re lost.”

The boat becomes a photograph. We pull back to see a young man in a vast office sadly stroking it with his finger.

MVO: “Tragically, without help, they may never make it to the Carlton.”

Cut to various people using smartphones on subways, in streets, at work etc. (Multicultural faces yeah?)

The music reaches a positive, uplifting crescendo.

MVO: “Introducing i-tanium, a revolutionary app that crowd sources charities and connects them with those who desperately need their help.”

Cut to hundreds of photoshopped Tweets reading things like ‘amazing’ and ‘this app blew my mind’ floating towards the camera.

MVO: “The app harnesses US military spy satellite live feeds allowing users to spot miserable teams in bars, clubs and high-end, ironic burger joints. Once they’re spotted, they can be tagged and their bottom drawer innovation concept will immediately be connected with a small charity that’s prepared to put their name on it.”

Angela Merkel (in German): “..revolutionary idea for..” Hillary Clinton: “..together we can do this.” Donald Trump: “..we will build it…”

Cut to slow motion of two people high fiving.

MVO: “Each click can mean a lifesaving business class return to Nice with expenses.”

Cut to close up of a single tear rolling from a pair of beautiful blue eyes.

MVO: “The alternative is too horrific to contemplate. Pain. Misery. The sheer living hell that is working on the relaunch of a Pan-Asian corporation or that big pitch that’s coming in.”

Cut to the young man we saw earlier aggressively thrusting his Lion at the camera. He has extremely dilated pupils.

MVO: “Together, we can change someone’s life for the better.”

That should do it. Now throw some stats on the end and add plenty of zeroes. Voila. Fucking Gold. Does it work?

 

This article originally appeared in Adnews.